sugarfreedom

 hmm today was actually fairly productive, i did a whole bunch of stuff, didnt eat much at all. I think that not seeing my boyfriend is good for my grades AND my ED. lol. well anyway, fuck trying to get better, i was so unhappy, it really wasnt any "better" at all! I just kept obsessing about all the weight im gaining. Id rather have an ED and be skinny, than be fat and still obsess. Besides, like i said i keep my calorie intake on the high side to avoid binging. (lol, sounds kinda like im trying to convince myself a little too hard, oh well) 

anyway today:

breakfast: coffee, <100g of oatmeal ~ 90cals
lunch: small fruit cup, more coffee ~ 120cals
dinner: weiner ( teehee) ~ 120 cals, tbsp ice cream ~ 60cals, chocolate ~ 80cals
and mistery soup that my mom made... im gona try and find out how many calories it was. I'll estimate on the high side ~ 200cals

TOTAL: 670cals

All in all, not too bad

Well, i tried hydroxycut for the first time today... it wasnt bad... on my road to FAKEOVERY ive put on a few and am desperate to lose them, however i dont want to go back to starving/binging so im cutting down my intake gradually which is very very hard. Yesterday my thoughts we just the worst I was extremely pessimistic and just on edge, but it was only because it was the first day of my period. SO i now officially dont care if im fucking my life up. I have 7 weeks till school ends and SO HELP ME I WILL BE SKINNY by then!  

height - 5'4
cw - 105ish
gw1 - 100
gw2 - 96
fg - 92

Today i Had:
Toast - 140 cals
Chocolate - 100 cals
Rice - 112 cals
Weiner (teehee) ~ 120 cals
TbSp of ice cream ~ 100 cals

Total 572 
Dang, thats pretty good :) 
I hope im not missing something

 dealing with so much shit lately... so many people are depressed all around me, i dont know if its the weather, or the world is really going to hell lately. a person i dont even really know (friend of a friend) hung himself a while ago, and when i found out, for some reason, it really affected me. Another friend of a friend of mine died over the summer. It just seems like death is all around, and its inching closer and closer towards me. 

I feel...things. Im not usually emotional, and once again i thank my period for bringing all this shit up to the surface for a day or two every month, but i feel sad depressed scared and insane. 

Today i really purged a lot and got a nose bleed. It was weird. 

STOP FUCKING EATING!!!!

ate well today, 250 cals or so.
so lost
so stressed
so emotional
so ugly
i dont understand why.

 well ive been feeling really shitty lately, but i STRONGLY suspect it was just pms, cz today my period started (5 days late, the bastard) and i feel much better

today i just want to avoid people
turn off my phone
do my accounting project
and maybe make some spinach soup for the week :D

btw, today im fasting. lets see how it goes (better take my vitamins, cz i tend to pass out when i fast, especially when im on my period)

Lalalala good good day :) had today:

one-egg omlette with a bit of milk 
a peach
coffee
WATER, lots of

and now for dinner, im having some fat free yogurt and cottage cheese 

for once i dont feel depressed or out of control and its good :) these days dont come too often so i have to savour them

SO im sitting right now (its 1:22 AM) and watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force, waiting for my boyfriend to call and trying not to eat... for tomorow, i have fat free jello in the fridge, but today.... im tempted to eat all the yummy things in my fridge.... i hate myself..... i wish i was stronger.... i wish i had the strength to stay pure. But right now all i can think about is having a yogurt (40 cals) or a peach (60 cals) or even 10 chips (90 cals) which may not seem like a lot, but it would certainly prove just how much of a failure i am....

well.... after my "normal eating" period, i think its time to start work once again
luckily i only gained about a pound or two during the binge which shouldnt be a problem
so tomorow, i want to start a fast.... water and caloree free jello...i hope it will work :) 

i want to see how long i can go.... 
my immediate goal is 5 days, 
my perfect goal is 7 days,
my overachiever goal is 10 days, 
my adequate goal is 3 days, 
my minimum goal is 1 day


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand..............we're off!

bread, sushi, bananas, apricots and.... gross fatty potatos :(

im really sick with a flu and im sitting at home ... it's so hard to stop thinking about food T_T i cant even find anything to do with myself.... i want to find a job but i havent gotten a call for anything i applied for! i feel so useless and gross and FAT! 

i hate life.

yes, big binge.... five ice cream sandwiches.....FIVE .... Y_______Y 

i felt so fat.... but my best friend brought them and she gave me one every time she had one.... and she had FIVE. In really surprised that she is so thin. She weights much less than me yet she seems to be eating all the time with no restrictions! damn im so jealous of her high metabolism!

well...as i dont have any friends on LJ yet...I guess this one is just for me...
my weight: 121 lbs :(
my mood: shitty :(
what i ate today: a piece of chicken, apple strudel, coffee, half an egg (thats so far) 
calories : 617.5
*sigh* 

i weighed myself and i actually GAINED weight... how can that be, ive been sticking to my diet! but i feel fatter...so it seems right.